The Holiday From Hell | Part 5

*Originally posted on my blog at http://callumjw.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/the-holiday-from-hell-part-5.html*

I was a broken man the morning after that quad bike ride. I ached in every joint from the journey, I had a hangover from the booze I had consumed and I was sick to the back teeth of getting lost.

But we had paid for the quad bike, so it felt stupid not to use it. We examined our map with great care, and after much deliberation we settled on aiming for Kavos for two main reasons:  

1) It’s a world famous party town and here we are in our twenties, we couldn't not go

2) We drove so close to it last night we pretty much knew the way already.

At the hottest part of the day we climbed back onto quad and set off. We soon were reliving the nightmare of the previous evening, seeing ghosts of the horror, houses we passed, signs we missed and a lot more slow uphill driving.

But without much drama, we made it to Kavos.

Kavos, how do I describe it, the undeniable asshole of Corfu.

I have never been to a place before that just driving through made me want to get checked by my GP. Let me, in my best narrative mind give you a description:

A grey decrepit council estate sits roasting and rotting in the midday Mediterranean sun. Its inhabitants, a few runs below modern man on the evolutionary ladder, scuttle like cockroaches between drab greasy diners and empty hollow bars that, like the streets, still hold the remnants of the previous night’s debauchery. Litter swirls in miniature hurricanes and settles a few yards further along the street filled with more drab grey, more grease, more cockroaches.

All the while a slow ooze of people migrate in sweaty groups towards the beach, a veritable market of human flesh where the price of dignity lessens and self respect diminishes.

The world has turned upside down and here the primeval sludge of existence rules, Snapbacks and squads are the Kings and the STI sluts their Queens. Personality, intelligence and common sense are liquefied by alcohol and boiled away in the heat leaving nothing but an empty shell of idiocy.

Get the picture?

Now I’m not normally one to anger quickly or fast to become violent but as I stood staring at the horror one thing came to mind.

Nuke them, nuke the fuckers and then nuke them again. Roll in the army, navy, marines and air force. Call the exterminators, reopen Auschwitz. Load up handguns, machine guns, automatic rifles and rocket launchers. Send in a plague of locus, flood the land, let meteorites reign from the sky and PURGE this from the earth.

Luckily Emma had the EXACT same view, so after our hour long drive we spent 15 minutes in Kavos, and left again. Heading straight back to get rid of this accursed quad bike.

One thing our quad bike taught me is that for such a small island, the vast majority of Corfu really is quite shit.